Archive for Confidence

4 Ways to Get Good Enough

You’d be surprised by how many competent and well-respected leaders have a secret fear that they’re not good enough.  Many. On the outside they appear confident and capable. On the inside they struggle with doubt, constantly worrying others will discover they aren’t quite as perfect as their persona portrays.

I have those fears myself.

But at least I know I’m not alone.

According to Brené Brown, a shame and vulnerability researcher most well know for her TED talk on vulnerability and author of a new book, Daring Greatly, chances are you have a similar fear as well.

Brown says the fear of not being “good enough” is really shame. Her definition:

Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of aceptance and belonging.

The word shame is not a word you usually think of when talking about leadership development yet this feeling of not being good enough is alive and well even in those who exude confidence.

In conversations I have with leaders about their professional development “not good enough” shame sound like this:

  • I know what I need to do (to influence, delegate more effectively etc.) and I’m embarrassed that I can’t make it happen consistently.
  • I should be able to influence this change but no one is hearing me!
  • I’m embarrassed that I need help. I should be able to figure out this new role/challenge on my own.
  • I’m ashamed to see these areas of improvement in my 360/feedback.  I’m embarrassed that people see the cracks I thought I was good at hiding.
  • I’m glad I was promoted but I’m starting to think I’m in over my head. I worry I won’t be able to live up to the expectations in this new role.

If you’ve ever uttered or thought the same, know you’re not alone.

Picture this: There you are fearful that you are not doing enough or capable enough (or fill in the blank for your own not-enoughness) and then you try to lead your team, your project, and your life. With this shame and not enoughness in the back of you head you hear a question as an attack instead of curiosity, you get defensive rather than collaborative, you fear the response to your nascent idea and opt to stay silent, you listen to the chatter in your head instead of your partner/friend and miss connecting with them.  In short, it doesn’t go well.

How is this playing out in your life?

When you take action from a state of fear or embarrassment about your ability (even if it is a secret hidden fear), you lose the capacity to bring your best to the table. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The tricky part is what to do about it, how to shift it.

Here Are 4 Ways to Get Good Enough

1. Share Your Shame

Brown’s research shows that empathy is the antidote to shame. Reach out to a friend or advisor who can be trusted with your story and tell them about the negative chatter in your head. When you’re met with empathy (not sympathy) the shame recedes. Knowing you’re not alone does make a difference. Know that we all (and I mean all) have our moments of self-doubt and fear that we are not enough. It’s how we move through them that matters.

2. Shift Your State (physical and mental)

When we change our physical state, it shifts our mental state. It’s often easier (and more powerful) to shift your body into a new position than to attempt mental gymnastics as a way to quiet the negative talk inside your head.

If you’re feeling embarrassed your mind transfers that emotion into your body in the form of slumped shoulders, a concave chest, down cast eyes or a more subtle protective crossing of the arms. It’s difficult to lead and inspire others from this position.

So, throw your shoulders back, plant your feet firmly on the ground and watch the chatter in your head change to one that will support rather than undermine your next leadership move. Check out this brilliant Ted Talk from social psychologist Amy Cuddy on “power posing”.

3. Refocus

It can seem like the evidence of how we’re not enough is lit up in neon, if not externally, at least inside our minds eye. Instead of letting it draw your attention, shift your focus to what is going well. Not to ignore or pretend there are no issues, but to shift yourself out of your fear-based lizard brain and into the more productive and creative juices that are flowing when you access your pre-frontal cortex. When we are in fear, our brain shifts into the primal fight or flight of the lizard brain and we lose access to the parts of our brain that can help us come up with creative solutions to the issue we are facing.

4. Strategize

Raise your self-awareness so that you know what your shame or “not enough” triggers are.  Then have a conversation with a friend or trusted advisor about what strategies will help keep you from falling into the trap long before the ground falls out from under you.  If you aren’t sure what those triggers are for you, a good place to start is by paying attention to when you tell yourself you “should” or “shouldn’t” do/know/say something.

For example, if asking for help makes you feel like you’ve failed, take on a practice to notice others who ask for help. Pay attention to what it allows them to accomplish. Check your assumptions.  Ask friends and colleagues what they think of people who ask for help. Notice your own assumptions about what it means to ask for help. When other people ask for help do you see them in a positive light as collaborators yet when you reach out, your perspective shifts to the negative?

How do You Want to Spend Your Energy? 

Even people who seem outwardly confident still have these “not good enough” fears. Some have developed strategies for hiding them but that takes a lot of energy. Do you really want to spend your energy on hiding what you fear are the ways you’re not enough?

Instead, acknowledge that you (and all of us) have these moments or areas of self-doubt. Notice what effect your “not enough” story is having on your life. Decide for yourself if the cost is too great. If so, put some of these strategies into play. Share your shame with a trusted advisor, shift your state, refocus on what is going well, identify your triggers and develop strategies specific to your area of focus.

What is your best strategy? I’d love to hear from you!

Resources:

Brené Brown TedX talks

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

http://on.ted.com/Brown2012

Brené Brown Blog: http://www.ordinarycourage.com/

 

Being Graceful Under Fire

Have you ever sat in a meeting, been asked a question and had a complete blank?

You were listening, you really were. But somehow when you were asked to come up with a solution to the problem or voice your opinion, your words evaporated.

Don’t you hate that feeling?

Later, without the pressure of the spot light you can come up with a plethora of ideas or pithy comments you could have contributed, which makes it even worse.

So, what can you do when you’re forced to show your grace under fire?

If you’re the type of person who likes to think before they speak, which you don’t often get the chance to do when you’re put on the spot, you still have a few options. Four to be exact.

#1 Prepare

One way to prepare is to find out the agenda topics for a meeting in advance, which will give you the time to consider the possible questions, compose your thoughts and be prepared to share your perspective. Realistically, this is best for a high stakes meeting where it makes sense to do your homework.

This isn’t always possible and often difficult given the pace of the day or the lack of meeting agendas (another whole discussion…).

So, if you feel pressured to give an immediate response you can simply say you need more time. Just make sure you say it in a way that makes you look good: “I want to give you a suggestion that is viable so let me come back to you when I have had more time to consider the options”.

#2 Buy Time

If you feel pressure to respond in the moment but words are failing you, you can buy yourself some time. Ask a question to refine the problem or discussion: “Are we looking for a short term or a longer term solution?”. Their response may spark an idea or at least give you a few moments to gather your thoughts.

#3 Breathe

Remember that a large part of how people see you is in the way you respond rather than in the words you say.

You know the old adage that actions speak louder than words?

Your body language, tone and inflection speak more than the words. Avoid responding from a place of stress, which is what happens to most of us when we are put on the spot.

Take a few deep breaths to calm your nerves before responding. The silence that fills the room for those few breaths may feel like an eternity to you but not to anyone else.

#4 Be Brief

The other blunder people make when they feel the pressure to deliver the right answer on the spot is to over-talk. .They talk because they think they’re supposed to but they don’t say anything of consequence. You’ve probably sat in a meeting listening to someone blather on and like everyone else in the room, you cringe and wish they would just stop talking. I know it sounds counter intuitive that someone with nothing to say would run off at the mouth but even the most reticent have fallen into this trap.

Focus your response on one aspect of the problem that you do know about or one simple suggestion and end it there.

It’s also okay to not know the answer or the solution right in the moment. It’s actually more empowering to own that then pretend like you do.

In order to be a leader who is heard, is of influence and has an impact the key is to develop the ability to be graceful under fire and buy time so you can contribute your brilliant ideas once those elusive words have returned.